Breakdown

So I am sick at home right now with "el gripe" (sounds extreme but it's just a bad cold). Yesterday I went in to work late and left early and today I couldn't bring myself to attempt getting out into the city. At first I was like this is terrible. I have too much work to do at school to be sick.

Now I'm thankful for this time to slow down now. I guess in a way I'm getting what I asked for. I have been annoyed lately with how busy I am and how I have so much stuff going on that my time with God gets pushed to the end of the list of things to do, meaning it usually doesn't happen. I've been praying that God would help me to make that time a priority. It makes a huge difference in my attitude about the work I have been doing because it's become just that- work. I'm sure God is not happy with this because it's not from my heart and therefore, it's not pleasing to him. Jeff mentioned a passage from Isaiah a few weeks ago about the Isrealites' worship being worthless because they had lost the real meaning behind their sacrifices, incense, etc. I guess in a way the things I have been doing here lately have gotten to that point.

My being sick is probably God's way of slowing me down so I will spend some time with him and get the focus back on Him. It's amazing how I expected my time here with God to be the best it has ever been since I followed Him here. The first part of this adventure was incredible so I assumed I was going to be used to make a difference here in this country and that everyday God's purpose in me coming here would be obvious and clear. He has been working through us, I'm sure; it just hasn't been the way we expected.

This morning I was listening to some sermons and then to Jack Johnson. A song came on called Breakdown and I think the words describe how I have felt in all the busyness lately, so I pasted the song below...

"Breakdown"
I hope this old train breaks down
Then I could take a walk around
And, see what there is to see
And time is just a melody
All the people in the street
Walk as fast as their feet can take them
I just roll through town
And though my windows got a view
The frame im looking through
Seems to have no concern for now
So for now

I need this old train to breakdown
Oh please just let me please breakdown

This engine screams out loud
Centipede gunna crawl westbound
So I don't even make a sound
Cause it's gunna sting me when I leave this town
All the people in the street
That i'll never get to meet
If these tracks don't bend somehow
And I got no time
That I got to get to
Where I don't need to be

So I need this old train to breakdown
Oh please just let me please breakdown
I need this here old train to breakdown
Oh please just let me please breakdown

I wanna break on down
But I cant stop now
Let me break on down
But you cant stop nothing
If you got no control
Of the thoughts in your mind
That you kept in, you know
You don't know nothing
But you don't need to know
The wisdom's in the trees
Not the glass windows
You cant stop wishing
If you don't let go
But things that you find
And you lose, and you know
You keep on rolling
Put the moment on hold
The frames too bright
So put the blinds down low

I think, I hope, that this is the "Breakdown" I needed to get my focus back where it should be so that I don't look back and regret this time here. I want to put the moments on hold, walk around and see what there is to see, meet the people, enjoy the melody of the now because "I have no time that I need to get to, where I don't need to be". So I guess this is where I slow down and appreciate where God has called me to right now in my life and hand my time and schedule back over to him. "You can't stop wishing if you don't let go"...I keep wishing/wanting other ways to serve God outside of the school world but maybe I should let go and let Him direct what I do; He's the one who brought me here in the first place so he must know where and how he wants to use me.

There are many stories in the Bible that talk about toil/work and worship. One is the well known story of Mary and Martha definitely relates to my life the past few weeks- Jesus is pleased with Mary who is worshipping Him instead of working like Martha (who thought she was doing work for Him).

One more favorite Jack Johnson line that is similar to what God has been trying to tell me the past weeks is: "If you would only listen, you might just realize what you are missing, you're missing me". So simple to say but it's always so hard to let go of those things we think are so important on our list of things to do to make time for what is really missing- God, who will "equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever." (Hebrews 13:21)